The Music of Life

  I was watching the sun rise this morning, listening to the beautiful music of an Irish singer and flute player, and I thought about the power that music has.  Ben and I are both musical, (although he is much more faithful to his practicing and performing than I am!), and Eigg has an incredible music culture.  In fact, music is what brought Ben and me together, since our fated first meeting was at the 12th of June ceilidh (pronounced: kay-lee): a dance/party with both traditional and modern music and dancing that celebrates the Eigg islanders' independence day.  In 1997, the islanders bought the island from a very oppressive landlord, so Eigg now belongs to the islanders.  The yearly celebration is, therefore, filled with shared memories, happy visitors, and endless music.  That music remains a huge part of our lives during every other day of the year, as well.  Even in France this summer, Ben and I experienced the magic of music. 

  We were driving back to Ben's aunt's and uncle's house in Buze but decided to stop at a little church that Wina said had perfect acoustics.  Wina, Ben, and I walked inside after seeing that a van was parked outside with the name of some professional choral organization on the side of it.  Once inside, we found a nice couple, and Wina, (through pointing and broken French), asked the woman if she were from the organization.  We found out that she was, so Wina asked if she would sing for us.  She shyly agreed and walked to the front of the stone chapel.  She sang the most haunting tune I have ever heard in my entire life.  It was more than breathtaking.  It was music that could both give breath and take it away.  It was music as music was meant to be.  It was the spirit of music, and I witnessed music's soul.

  The chapel had been built hundreds of years ago, but the builders had known what they were doing.  The stone ceiling curved into a pointed arch that echoed in the most magnificent way.  Every inch of the building was filled with sound.  I had thought about videotaping her song, but the moment was too perfect to record.  I knew that I needed to simply be present and record that memory forever within me.

  When the singer's last note had faded, absorbed into those old stone walls for eternity, we stood in awed silence, then came to our senses and applauded and thanked her profusely.  I never meant "merci" more than at that moment in France.  I looked over at Wina and saw tears in her eyes.  I didn't blame her.  My heart, too, had been lain bare by that music, and the sounds reverberated through my entire being - raw with emotion. 

  I will never forget that pure beauty, and I will always feel so fortunate to have heard it.  Music is such an amazing, powerful entity that has lived for all of history.  As I and those stones saw in that ancient chapel in the French countryside, it continues to live agelessly in any place and at any time - even in the genorosity of a talented stranger to some oblivious travellers taking a detour.

The Pain of Fear

  As Halloween approaches, many of us - both kiddies and adults alike - will make plans to have ourselves good and scared.  We might even take the route of paying our own money to have other individuals frighten us so badly we won't sleep without the blankets pulled, suffocatingly, all the way to the tiptops of our nightmare-filled heads for weeks.  Another tactic we will probably try is sitting down in front of the television with a big bowl of popcorn and a horror movie that will either disgust or terrify us enough that we leave our snacks to go stale while we run for the cover of the light switch and "stop" button on the remote. 

  Although I have put myself through more years of surviving haunted houses than I would care to admit, the most recent episode of self-induced fear from which I have suffered came in the form of that horror movie watching I just discussed.  The movie was quite good, as far as horror films go.  The plot was complex enough to surprise me, there was an appropriate amount of gore, the suspense made me want to twist myself around on my couch until I was upside down and could allow the blood to drain to my head and take away that desperate, itchy feeling of wanting everything to get itself over with, and I was left satisfied with the ending but unsettled and unable to go to sleep until I had finished my book, just to add a buffer of pleasantness for my subconscious to hopefully feed upon for constructing my dreams.  Unfortunately, my dreams still ended up tainted, upsetting, and relentlessly negative.  I couldn't understand why.  Then, I realized that my book, while absolutely amazing, powerful, and beautiful in its own right, had evoked deep fear from me. 

  Written by one of my favorite contemporary authors, Bernardine Evaristo, Blonde Roots could be considered just as eye-opening as Uncle Tom's Cabin, except with the ability to allow those readers of European descent to finally not only sympathize with African slaves but actually relate with them and feel the horrors they experienced in an uncomfortable close-to-home proximity.  Evaristo did this by creating a work of fiction (yet horrifyingly nonfiction at the same time) in which white Europeans are the slaves of black Africans.  Because Evaristo maintains the cultural characteristics and historical themes of both groups, instead of just substituting names, she makes her readers experience understanding on an entirely new level.  To return to the idea of fear, closing the back cover of this book left me frightened to my core.  I was forced to entertain feelings of loss, torture, and hopelessness.  I mulled over in my mind what it would be like for me to lose absolutely everything and everyone and still continue to breathe.  That was fear, and it was painful.

  Lying in bed this morning, feeling not the least bit rested, I realized that the "surface" fear that comes from watching horror movies or screaming in the face of some masked and fake blood covered actor in a haunted house does, indeed, cause pain, just like the "complex" fear derived from witnessing the cruelty of humankind causes pain.  I then thought about why we voluntarily expose ourselves to such fear, when humans, typically, wish to avoid pain.  I believe that, like doomed moths to their light bulb electrocutions, we, as mortal creatures, are drawn to proof of our own mortality.  Experiencing fear makes us taste mortality, since, as immortals, we would not be forced to face fear. 

  Finally sniffing imaginary coffee and trudging downstairs to not unwillingly sacrifice myself at the alter of a probable caffeine addiction, I pondered further on my experience of watching people choose to scare themselves with the "surface" fear of fantasy much more readily than with the "complex" fear of reality.  Why would this be?  Perhaps it is easier to recover from the pain of an occasional nightmare brought on by one-too-many encounters with the chainsaw-carrying, flannel-wearing, Jason-mask-toting neighbor who likes to volunteer for the fire department's annual charity haunted house than to deal with the pain of placing your head on your pillow to the fearful realization that human beings are actually capable of uncontrollable hatred, torture, and cutting short the life of another.  Facing the pain of this complex fear makes us not only aware of our own mortality but of the fact that our mortalities are deeply connected.  We must endure the pain of fear to remind ourselves that we fear because we possess things worth fearing for. 

  I think I have a new respect for fear now, strange as it sounds to my own ears.  Don't assume, dear readers, that I'll be running off happily to join in every Halloween haunting around the corner.  I'm much-too-much of a scaredy cat to do that.  I just feel that fear has the potential to teach us what we need to appreciate, what love is about, and what we are willing to suffer for to protect.  Maybe fear is the key to being brave mortals, to being human.

The Nature of Wind

  I just returned from a weekend of camping in a beautiful state park.  Leaves were clinging desperately to the prehistorically tall trees, reminding me of millions of tiny, warmly colored flags waving in the wind to get the attention and hopeful support of those down below.  Instead of patriotically breaking out into some made-up national tree anthem, I stood with my neck craned to the sky and my eyes drowning in yellows, reds, and oranges.  The tiny flags whipped at their guardian branches until the limbs of the tree giants relinquished their loyal decorations to the quite demanding wind.  What a rascal that wind can be!  He toyed with the detached leaves for only seconds - twirling them around in his wispy fingers before letting them descend slowly on the wake of his tale and abandoning them to the mercy of the earth below. 

  I don't actually hold any resentment toward the wind.  It's one of my favorite elements, in fact, which is a good thing since Scotland is my other home.  Scotland is known for its heather, bagpipes, kilts, thick accents, and haggis, among other things.  When it comes to daily life, however, weather plays a huge role in the Scots' existence.  Abundant rain is obvious, even to an outsider, but the strength of Highland wind is something that new visitors don't necessarily expect.  I did not.  You see, rain does not fall sideways, but wind can force it sideways.  The first time that I experienced this "sideways rain" in Scotland, I was standing in the upstairs kitchen of the bothy on Eigg, happily putting the kettle on for a morning cup of tea.  I was still in pajamas and blissfully unaware of anything other than the fact that it was looking stormy outside but warm and cozy inside.  Soon, the mild storm increased to a gale, however, and it was "blowing a hoolie" as the Scots say.  I had heard the wind howl before, so I was not frightened of any flying banshees, but I had never seen the wind blow in a continuous horizontal state.  Tea cup empty, despite the kettle having boiled, I stared out the kitchen window in fascinated horror as the downpour turned sideways.  I suddenly felt quite a lot like Dorothy, just waiting for the house to fall to the ground in Kansas and wondering who my moral-lesson-learning travel companions would be.  A sudden swirling howl, and I went running for the living room, no longer Dorothy but a terrified child, seeking shelter from the monster that adults claim to be only a weather occurrence but which children see as a true threat.  I dove onto the couch and stuffed my face so far under Ben's arm I tasted cushion.  It took much caressing of my buried head, many tight hugs, and quite a few reassurances that our stone bothy could withstand the wind with ease to convince me that we would survive to see the next day (and not just if we asked the Wonderful Wizard for help).

  Now that I have lived through many more fierce weather conditions on Eigg, I will say that I no longer have to camp out in the furniture until they pass.  I have come to view wind and the other wardrobes of nature with a much deeper sense of respect, though.  The Highlands of Scotland are seen as a rugged frontier, and much of that is because Mother Nature claims them as her practice mat, art studio, resting place, and, at times, battleground.  She certainly makes life very interesting on Eigg, for better or for worse, but she also brings all those who visit Scotland a sense of clarity and appreciation of her beauties and power.  If you visit Scotland, you'll learn to sprint full-force into the dazzling light and take advantage of a sunny day, go on with outdoor tasks in the pouring rain as if everything were normal (as long as you're wearing your waterproofs), and take the time to truly wonder at the tiniest aspects of nature - even if they happen to be pretty leaves falling during a perfectly normal, perfectly amazing annual occurrence called Autumn.    
 

Mainland Trip Memoirs

Part 6: ...When It Sizzles

  There are so many things that I would like to tell all of you readers about the last part of our stay in Paris and our eventual trip home.  I sit here now, racking my brain and scribbling out main details on my little dry erase board that is already perilously close to being completely covered in writing.  Memories from our trip race through my mind, and I'm back in Paris, strolling along the Seine with Ben, my hand in his and my heart showing itself to the entire stylish city through my mile-wide smile.  We'll be homeward-bound tomorrow, but, for now, the weather is perfect, we still have a few more places to look forward to visiting, and we've already had a perfect holiday.  Life is beautiful.

  Grudgingly, I step out of that vision, and I'm sitting here once again, typing away on my laptop with Indiana landscape filling my windows.  I love this Indiana land, but I always miss Scotland when I return here.  Since I've only been back for a number of weeks, I still haven't fully readjusted to life in the States.  Enough about my identity crisis, though - there will be plenty of further posts dedicated to just that, I'm sure.  For now, I promised to finish telling you the rest of our traveling tale.

  From my previous entry, you probably figured out that the cemetery was one of my favorite places that we visited.  Next on the list would have to be La Louvre.  The Louvre is the largest museum in the world, and I cannot even begin to describe what that immensity looks and feels like.  Above ground, the Louvre resembles a huge courtyard surrounded by magnificent, multi-story buildings from the 1800s.  Also above ground are two more recently built glass pyramids that reveal what's below the surface.  Ben and I stood in the ticket line, warily reading the "Beware of Pickpockets" signs and willing the line to move faster, when I looked up and pivoted, drinking in a 360 degree view.  I sighed, smiled, and told Ben that I couldn't believe I was standing there.  It was just like my history book had depicted it to be.  Reminiscing, I went on to tell him about sitting in history class in my middle school/junior high days and opening my giant book to a colorful picture of the Louvre.  My teacher must have lectured about it, possibly even reciting something about French history or culture, but, at the time, I could barely hear.  My entire attention was on that photograph, and I remember tracing it with my finger reverently, believing it was a magical place that existed in fairy tales alone.  I toyed with the idea of how marvelous it would be to visit this romantic place called Paris and go to this beautiful museum, but that seemed like a distant dream.  My mind didn't even allow me to hope to see the outside of that historical palace, let alone the amazing works of art inside.

  Then, over a decade later, there I was standing at the entrance!  Ben joked later that if he'd known that I would be so satisfied with just seeing the outside, we wouldn't have had to get tickets. While I am, of course, thoroughly glad that we did, I must admit that, after gazing at the Mona Lisa from behind six feet of bulletproof glass and under the scrutiny of more security guards than we could probably see, I did begin to experience museum fatigue.  We walked slowly through the museum, appreciating the works of so many masters!!  Every painting seemed to be more vivid and alive than the one before, every sculpture more detailed and awe-inspiring, and every set of steps leading to more and more masterpieces.  Because there was so much talent to see, however, my eyes began to glaze.  I realized that one would need years to fully explore the Louvre - not simply the day that we had to dedicate to it.  With that in mind, I did the best I could to get everything I could out of the time I spent there without feeling guilty.  We will be back someday, and I will return to the Louvre refreshed and prepared with research notes, supportive shoes, and plenty of water.

  Along with the museum, Ben and I also visited the famous Notre Dame Cathedral, which had no hunchback character but did have grotesque carvings of demons torturing the sinful and many, many gargoyles patiently waiting for rain to flow through their mouths.  Peering up at them, I believe they might also have been waiting for their stone bodies to turn to flesh so that they could fly away.  I'm sure they're nearly deafened by those bells by now, anyway.  Who wouldn't want to escape? 

  Montmarte was another church that we visited, although I have now learned that "Montmarte" also refers to the area that the church is built upon.  This area is an extremely high hill from which tourists stand to admire the view of Paris.  The church is purely white, and it does seem to sparkle in the sun.  Inside, the aura is strange, since the subdued tone of religious observance clashes with the fairly irreverent and clicking camera atmosphere of tourism in full regalia.  Ben and I were able to ignore that feeling briefly when we saw the massive, domed ceiling of the church and realized that it was covered in a mosaic of Jesus, formed with tiny tiles no bigger than half an inch each.  I think that this is one of the largest mosaics in the world.  It was worth fighting through the tourism masses to see that.

  Realizing that the Eiffel Tower has quite pretty, scrolling bits of iron at its base and testing our stomachs on beef tartare, (a nicely seasoned, raw, hamburger-like patty typically topped with a raw egg), along with all of our other sightseeing could still not compete with our time spent with Josh and Lola.  One day, when we had a lazy few hours of afternoon to spend, Josh introduced Ben and me to a French plastic toy animation cartoon called, "A Town Called Panic."  Despite not being able to understand the words, we laughed until our stomachs ached for us to watch something sobering.  I highly recommend treating yourself to some giggles with this cartoon, but be prepared for strange looks when you find yourself quoting the characters out in public, clueless to the translation, but tickled by your own funny voice.

  Constructing paper airplanes under the tutelage of my enthusiastic and expert man, Josh, Lola, and I spent several nights mischievously launching our round crafts out of those high windows, videotaping and whooping in triumph as they soared across the streets.  One night, Ben and Josh created a monster plane and sent it on its maiden journey...into the lap of a bewildered gentleman!  We watched in nail-biting anticipation, wondering what he would do with this gift from the sky.  The man picked it up and placed it on the ground, as if that sort of thing happened to him every day!  We were quite disappointed but continued our entertainment, nonetheless.  Good times.

  We spent a wonderful last evening with Josh, Lola, and several of their friends, gobbling down cheese and bread and managing great conversations, despite language barriers or full mouths.  When the time came that night for Ben and me to make our way to the metro and the eventual bus journey home, I pouted that I didn't want to leave.  Ben reminded me that my feelings were the sign of a lovely visit and that we would return.  How wonderful to leave wanting to stay!  I have nothing but warm thoughts when I think of our time in that apartment. 

  Ben and I then began our 26 hour journey back to Eigg, crossing the English Channel via the ferry this time and not really minding the Megabus trip as badly.  We lugged many souvenirs back to Eigg, but the most priceless were memories.  I realize that may sound cliche, but I only speak the truth.  Truly experiencing traveling has nothing to do with how much money you spend but only what you collect in your mind's eye.

  At our return to Eigg, I spent a week packing my bags to head back to the States.  One missed ferry (due to Scotland's unpredictable weather), one missed flight, five million phone calls pleading with the airline company, and one rescheduled flight later, Ben and I found ourselves at the airport, experiencing the "hate" side of our love-hate relationship with it.  We said (I sobbed) our farewells, and I was off again on a journey, this time heading west.  Now, here I am, writing feverishly and counting down the days until Ben comes for a visit, before it's time for me to pack my pencil and paper and fly across the pond again.  This is my life.  It is difficult, taxing, and not what I ever could have foreseen, but it is mine, and I love it like Parisian pigeons love stale French bread.  And that's a lot.